Summative Comment
- COMMENT: “I really liked how you brought in examples after the internment camp example and beyond.”
- RESPONSE: One of the assigned readings mentioned that home is always a healing place for sickness. I used the internment camp example to show it can rebuke the point of view of that reading and to further prove my argument that “home” defines a person not only positively but also negatively.
- COMMENT: “You do a nice job having all your sources talk to one another and you in that part of the essay.”:
- RESPONSE: Instead of thinking of each point or example individually, I tried my best to look for agreements and disagreements among all the sources I found. By doing so, the essay engages different perspectives into a discussion of one main thing and through my interpretation, I was able to prove my argument with the discussion
High-Order Problems
- COMMENT: Organization---Paragraph and Argument Level
- HOW: Although I spent sometime thinking about how one source can interact with other ones, apparently after drafting, I did not focus much on reorganizing the order in which the sources should be discussed and analyzed. In addition, I did not pay much attention to how each sentence was connected to each other within a paragraph, which may lead to not making the point strong and clear enough.
- SOLUTION: I should refer back to the outline in the proposal and if necessary, I should improve my outline with more details. And then I should think about how each paragraph is connected to each other so that the order can be changed properly. Moreover, I should read my essay out loud so that I am able to hear it and see what changes can be made to the argument levels within a point to make the point stronger.
- IN THE FUTURE: After drafting, I should wait about 3 hours and then read my essay out loud to see if there is any inconsistency among sentences and paragraphs. Doing so allows me to look at my draft from a different perspective.
- COMMENT: Explaining Your Ideas Fully Rather Than Leaving Them Implicit
- HOW: For some concepts and ideas in my essay, I did not explain too much into details of what they mean and how they are connected to the main argument, which makes the readers unable to understand why I bring up those things and they are actually doing in the essay.
- SOLUTION: I should put more details and explanations of the concepts or ideas left unexplained and then try to analyze how they related to the main argument.
- IN THE FUTURE: I need to think more about my readers. Instead of making the assumption that the readers of my essay understand how some of the concepts are related to the main argument, I have to spell out things more explicitly.
- COMMENT: Using More TS Templates to Interact with Your Sources and Your Sources with You.
- HOW: I did not use the templates in They Say/I Say to connect ideas and show the relationship among different ideas. Instead, I used templates that I have been used to in the past. Using the templates introduced in They Say/ I Say would help ideas in my essay to “communicate” with each other more effectively.
- SOLUTION: I should refer back to They Say/ I Say and look for templates that are suitable.
- IN THE FUTURE: After coming up with an argument and before drafting, I will list templates from They Say/ I Say that might be useful on a sheet of paper. Those templates will not only help me to brainstorm ideas and how different sources can be related to each other, but also organize them in a way that makes each point stronger and more persuasive to the readers.
Lower-Order Problems
Sentence Structures
Transitions
Verbs
- EXAMPLE 1 ORIGINAL: Instead of acceptance, I feel very angry and respond that I am a Cantonese and my home is in Canton, which will never change. I have never felt so confident and proud of my identity as a Cantonese because as I start feeling connected to the Korean community at Emory, I developed a stronger thought of how this new place is different from my home.
- EXAMPLE 1 REVISION: However, the truth has been that I have never felt so confident and proud of my identity as a Cantonese though I accepted and mingled with another culture.
- HOW: The original sentences were simple sentences that did not show clear relationships between ideas.
- SOLUTION: By concisely elaborate the information in one sentence using “….though….” to show contrast, the relationship between ideas is clearer.
- IN THE FUTURE: Instead of writing simple sentences, I should use more complicated sentence structure to more concisely present my ideas and more effectively show the relationship between different ideas.
- EXAMPLE 2 ORIGINAL: We have seen situations where Lahiri moved from Kingston to a place about a mile away, I moved to a new environment in the other half of Earth, and Shin escaped to a paradise from his cruel and hell-like “home”.
- EXAMPLE 2 REVISION: To sum up, from Lahiri’s one-mile removal from home to my experience of studying abroad on the other side of Earth, it is without doubt has home defines characteristics and identity of a person, which carry on with him or her even when one moves to another place, regardless of distance. In addition, Shin’s case proves that home is so powerful that it can influence a person negatively, yet Shin does not reject North Korea as his home.
- HOW: This sentence is in the conclusion part. The original sentence simply summarizes the examples discussed in the essay, which is not a effective conclusion sentence.
- SOLUTION: I elaborated the examples in the same sentence by commenting what points that two of the examples prove. By juxtaposing the summary of the examples and the point that I was trying to make when I was using the examples, I produced a more complicated sentence that shows the readers that how I derived the conclusion.
- IN THE FUTURE: I should elaborate the summary of the examples in the conclusion paragraph, by directing linking them to the point I am trying to make, using different agreement and disagreement signal words.
- EXAMPLE 3 ORIGINAL: …says Lahiri in her short story Rhode Island where she moved from Kingston to another town one mile away when she was eight (101). She felt uncomfortable and unfamiliar in the new place because the “laid back, intellectual feel” that she grew up with in Kingston has defined part of her characters in a certain way which can be different in the new place.
- EXAMPLE 3 REVISION: The story took place in Rhode Island where she moved from Kingston to another town one mile away when she was eight, and felt uncomfortable and unfamiliar in the new place because the “laid back, intellectual feel” that she grew up with in Kingston has defined part of her characters in a certain way different in the new place.
- HOW: The original version simply present the fact that Lahiri moved and the her feeling in separate sentences. It does not sound they are united.
- SOLUTION: I juxtaposing two pieces of information together so that they are more connected. As a result, the readers can draw a clearer relationship between the ideas.
- IN THE FUTURE: I should try my best put ideas that are directly related in the same sentence, making more complicated-structured sentences so that the essay sounds more sophisticated while allows the reader to better grasp the flow of ideas.
Transitions
- EXAMPLE 1 ORIGINAL: Space is all around us, but have you really thought of what space means to human beings? In one of Tuan’s article, he points out that “‘space’ is more abstract than ‘place’. What begins as undifferentiated space becomes place as we get to know it better and endow it with value”(6). Home provides us with space to live and rest, so it is a place. But what about the actual “space” outside the Earth? It is probably not a useful space for us. So, as people engage with a space for various purposes such as working, studying, shopping, and eating, space turns into a meaningful place.
- EXAMPLE 1 REVISION: Space is all around us. However, what does space mean and how does it relate to human beings? To answer the question, Tuan points out that “‘space’ is more abstract than ‘place’. What begins as undifferentiated space becomes place as we get to know it better and endow it with value”(6). In another word, when people live and engage with space, it becomes place that means something to us. Specifically, I believe that home is the most essential concept for us to think about since one spent most of the childhood in the “place” which one would call it “home” because I believe, the place which defines each individual and with which each of us identifies oneself.
- HOW: the original version lacks transitional words so that the organization of the paragraph looks a little bit messy.
- SOLUTION: I reorganized the level of information in my paragraph so that it does not jump back and forth between “place” and “home”. Incorporating transitional words such as “however”, “In another word”, “specifically”, I was able to smoothly moved from “space” to “place” and then finally narrowed the topic of discussion of this essay to “home”.
- IN THE FUTURE: Instead of sticking around with broad theme in the introduction paragraph, I should use transitional words to move from the big concept and narrow down to the specific thing that is central to the argument of the paper.
- EX 2 ORIGINAL: Still, you would probably think that traveling allows people to explore exciting new places which may bring changes to one’s identity. Manzo’s research For Better or Worse: Exploring Multi confirms this thought with her conclusion that goes: “For some [people], the metaphor of home aptly fits their experience of connection, stability and belonging. For others, the metaphor of journeying may be more useful” (Manzo 83).
- EX 2 REVISION: Still, you would probably think that traveling allows people to explore exciting new places which may bring changes to one’s identity. So does Manzo who, in her research For Better or Worse: Exploring Multi confirms this thought with her conclusion that goes: “For some [people], the metaphor of home aptly fits their experience of connection, stability and belonging. For others, the metaphor of journeying may be more useful” (Manzo 83).
- HOW: I did not use a transitional word to show the relationship between the first sentence and the quote in Manzo’s research.
- SOLUTION: I used a “reverse sentence structure” which includes the transitional word “so” to show the agreement relationship. It also signals that the conclusion in Manzo’s conclusion is an additional comment on what the reader may think, making a metacommentary.
- IN THE FUTURE: I should use more transitional words to explicitly show the relationships and connections between ideas that are responding to each other.
- EXAMPLE 3 ORIGINAL: Although I felt comfortable in the new place, I am so sure that it would never replace my home because home defines my native fluency in Cantonese, my adaptation of appetite to Cantonese food and my personal chracteristics. I am certain that these things are permanent as part of my identity and they are my root, though my fashion, food choice and language proficiency has extended to be more Korean. Current society seems to assume that home is the warmest place full of love. Price agrees with this assumption by claiming that: “homes…and houses…provide refuge from the outside world at times in life (infancy, illness, old age) when we are particularly fragile” (126).
- EXAMPLE 3 REVISION: Indeed, I felt comfortable in the new place, but it did not take my Cantonese identity away. For instance, when I was sick, Cantonese special herbal soup and “patient food” immediately came to my mind. It was a spontaneous process that was hard to be changed. Talking about sickness and healing, current society seems to assume that home is the warmest and the most healing place. Price agrees with this assumption by claiming that: “homes…and houses…provide refuge from the outside world at times in life (infancy, illness, old age) when we are particularly fragile” (126).
- HOW: I did not smoothly move from the previous point to the next point. The transition of my personal experience to the point that home is always warm sounds a little bit inconsistent. Although I, as a writer, know the connection between the previous point and the upcoming one. The readers need some clear transitions that connect two points together. Otherwise the reader may get lost and does not understand why I bring up the next point
- SOLUTION: I gave more details at the end of the last point that has something to do with the idea that home is a healing place. With this ending, I can smoothly jump into the next point so that it does not sound awkward.
- IN THE FUTURE: Between different points, I should make good use of the templates and transitional words that They Say/ I Say recommends and smoothly move from one to the next one. Also, I should read my essay out loud three hours after drafting to see if the transitions are clear and whether they make sense.
Verbs
- EXAMPLE 1 ORIGINAL: Adding to Manzo’s conclusion, I would point out that people who has traveled around must have a stronger understanding of how home defines themselves.
- EXAMPLE 1 REVISION: ** I changed the original sentence to:Since sometimes, a new place defines a person very differently, he or she may more often spontaneously display characteristics that home has defined to the public. Doing so generates a stronger and more connected feeling to home and reinforces one’s recognition of his or her identity defined by home.
- HOW: The verb “has” as in “people who has” does not agree with people in terms of numbers.
- SOLUTION: “Has” should be changed to “have”. Instead of doing that, since Dr. Holt asked me for more details, I deleted the original sentence and explained the point with more ideas.
- IN THE FUTURE: Subject-verb agreement is probably one of the easiest grammar points to check. So, in the future, when reviewing a draft, I will carefully look for the subject of a verb and make sure that they agree with each other. Also, I can ask my writing partner to double check for me since it is not very time consuming.
- EXAMPLE 2 ORIGINAL: After high school, I pursue my undergraduate degree at Emory University in Atlanta, a place with a totally different culture and language from home.
- EXAMPLE 2 REVISION: After high school, I have been studying at Emory University in Atlanta since a year ago, a place with a totally different culture and language from home.
- HOW: The tense of the verb “persue” is incorrect. I did not pay enough attention to the timeline of the event.
- SOLUTION: I changed the tense from present tense to present perfect tense to show that the event started a year ago and continues until now.
- IN THE FUTURE: When I encounter trouble with which tense I should use for a verb, I should think about the timeline of the event, including when it happens, the time point that it happens compared to the current moment, whether the event lasts until now and so on.
- EXAMPLE 3 ORIGINAL: As I make new friends and get to know new “places” in the new environment, I have become more “Koreanized” because I enjoy and feel comfortable with speaking Korean, eating Korean food, and talking about Korean pop culture with Korean friends at Emory. As a result, people around me start to refer me as a Korean and “assumed” that it is my “new identity”.
- EXAMPLE 3 REVISION: As I made new friends and got to know new “places” in the new environment, I have become more “Koreanized” because I enjoyed and felt comfortable with speaking Korean, eating Korean food, and talking about Korean pop culture with Korean friends at Emory. As a result, people around me started to refer me as a Korean and “assumed” that it was my “new identity”.
- HOW: The verb tense of “make”, “become”, “enjoy”, and “feel” are wrong. Their correct tense should reflect the event happened in the past.
- SOLUTION: I changed the verb to “made”, “have become”, “enjoyed”, and “felt”, respectively. The changed tenses more accurately reflect the timeline of the event.
- IN THE FUTURE: Again, I should always think about the timeline of the event when I am deciding what tense I should use.